Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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