You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
Randomize
