The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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