I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
