Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
Randomize
