I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
