o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Randomize
