Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
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