Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
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