You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
Randomize
