I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
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