first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
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