Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
