I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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