Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Randomize
