Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Randomize
