i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
false alarm, still single
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
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