It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
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