I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
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