Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
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