and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Randomize
