So drunk its hurt
I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
