the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
Randomize
