Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
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