Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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