I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
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