So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
Randomize
