I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Randomize
