last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
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