what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
Randomize
