I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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