i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
this just has baby written all over it
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Randomize
