You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
