i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
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