Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
