im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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