I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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