Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
Randomize
