eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Randomize
