I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
Randomize
