I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
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