well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
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