Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
