I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
