I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
Randomize
