it was average length and chubby
so kinda like him?
now i'm wondering if all guys are shaped like their penis...
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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