if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
Randomize
