so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
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