Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
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