ya dads aren't the best wingmen
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Randomize
